The family is a new system formed by the coming together of two different people from two different systems. Every individual is born into a family and when he is born, the responsibilities he will take in the future, the roles he will take, the rules he will abide by and the norms he will adopt are clear. Differentiating at all these points, men and women get married. Value judgments, cultural patterns, religious beliefs, perspectives on life, strategies for coping with problems, emotional resilience, defense mechanisms, attachment to their root families, and communication skills of both may differ from each other. The fact that these differences exist does not always mean that there will be problems. However, it is important how these differences are perceived and expressed and how they are tried to be solved when they cause problems. When these differences are handled in a belligerent and moralistic way with a comparative, humiliating and judgmental approach, they also bring about communication problems.
What we call a communication problem is actually a skill deficiency. There is an incompetence in communication, and individuals can acquire and develop this skill if they wish. In the content of this article, the techniques for establishing a healthy communication along with the reasons that reduce communication are also discussed.
1- Let’s try to understand through an example. In the marriage of a woman who does not smoke and alcohol and a man who smokes both, the woman should be uncomfortable with this situation. Let him express his discomfort as follows: “I’m tired of drinking more every time we have a problem. You’re always hiding behind cigarettes and booze. You can’t solve anything, you have shrunk in my eyes.” What should be said is, ‘It makes me sad that you drink more cigarettes and alcohol instead of talking to me in the face of the problems we are experiencing. I don’t feel good when you act like that. Drinking more alcohol shouldn’t even be the last way you can resort.” In the first speech, there is an approach that humiliates the other party and expresses his feelings in a hurtful way with the language of anger. However, in the second speech, there is an approach that seeks a solution by expressing what he feels in a restorative way, using the language of I.
2- There are some concepts in life that we cannot talk about being absolute. There is no absolute truth, absolute beauty, absolute good. What everyone finds right and beautiful can be different. Even if they come from close cultures within the family system, couples may have different ideas in terms of such concepts. The important thing here is whether the couples see these differences in each other as a problem and want to include the other party in their family system and change it. When couples see these differences as a richness instead of including the other party in the system in their own root family and establish their own family system, they do not have communication problems and happily witness the growth of their own family like a living organism.
3- Another reason that reduces communication within the family is ‘comparison’. No individual wants to be compared to another. Especially if this comparison is made by a family member, feelings such as resentment, unhappiness, worthlessness, anger may be experienced more intensely. A woman or a man who is compared to another by his wife is also disturbed by this situation. Spouses should not compare each other with their neighbor’s husband or friend’s wife. A woman said to her husband, “Fatma’s husband bought 100 roses for his birthday. You never bought me 100 roses for my birthday. Instead, she might say, “It would make me happy to receive a rose for my birthday.” Everyone has a different way of showing their love. Everyone’s financial situation is different. Buying 100 roses may be easy for Fatma’s husband, but quite difficult for another man. While there is comparison in the first sentence, the second sentence shows how we can express our demands without comparison. In addition, being compared is a situation that makes people feel powerless. Neither women nor men want to be made to feel powerless by their spouses and to feel powerless in front of their spouses.
4- Another reason that reduces communication in the family is the rejection of verbal communication by one or both of the couples. Here, we see the most frequent behavior of embarrassment. However, being offended means that a person builds a wall and closes himself not only against his wife but also against his marriage. Being offended will not solve any problem and may make the other party even more angry. The worst thing that can be done to ignore a person is to be unresponsive to him, to act as if he does not exist. Getting angry is exactly what they are. Being offended is a behavior that we perform with the child part of ourselves. Being offended by problems only causes that problem to continue to grow. We must address issues with a flexible perspective for resolution and a sense of inclusiveness towards our partner.
5- Explaining the problems experienced in the family to other people before they are discussed clearly and effectively is another important reason that reduces communication. It is not pleasant for anyone to hear from another relative, friend or co-worker when he is not even aware of a problem that his wife is having. The family should have the power to deal with and discuss the problems they are experiencing in every aspect. The family should have special time zones created to talk about their problems. In these times, every family member should have an equal say, every individual should be able to express their opinion without hesitation, and every solution proposal should be evaluated objectively. Especially children should be included in these conversations and the father should not be seen as an authority.
The sense of belonging and security provided by the family comes from communication. The family gives this trust or distrust to its members by using verbal and non-verbal means of communication. Above, it has been tried to explain in which situations this trust and distrust can be experienced. The institution of the family, like people, can be renewed, changed, strained, repaired and injured over time. A family with strong communication will find the power to solve problems with the least help and the least damage. Once the family succeeds in solving each problem, it will continue to be inspired by its members to bond and grow further.
