Have you ever thought about what kind of person you are in a relationship?
This question includes all relationships; What kind of wife, what kind of friend, what kind of son, what kind of parent are you?
If your answer is someone who is self-sacrificing, submissive, patient, self-absorbed, harmonious, making an effort, and generally unable to get the same amount of effort from the other side, who takes the first step, apologizes first, and does his best to keep the relationship intact, continue reading this article.
You’re probably the type of person who, when asked where to go when meeting with a group of friends, says “I’ll come wherever suits you”. Even if you don’t want the destination, you accept that others want and enjoy it, and you adapt to the environment. Likewise, when you feel hurt in this group of friends, you can’t say it easily because you worry about being misunderstood and falling apart. People like to tell you about their problems because you are a great listener, but when you have a problem, you don’t get a direct return for the effort you put into them. You are described as “helpful, pure-hearted” by your environment, someone who has a problem rushes to you. When you return to yourself, you prefer to listen to the problems rather than share them, even if you don’t get a negative response from them.
In your romantic relationships, you often feel like “the more loving side of this relationship”. In order to be sure of the love of the other party and to make yourself loved, you plan your life according to his life. You go to his favorite places, you watch the TV series and movies he likes together, you often get gifts for him without expecting anything in return, you are the one who calls him frequently during the day. It is very easy to win your heart, and you will be the one who puts a lot of effort to win the heart of the other party. You cannot give the reactions you need or want to give, with the anxiety of ‘we will break up’ in moments of argument. You try to do your best even if the course of the relationship doesn’t satisfy you, even when you know the result will be a breakup.
You are probably the hardworking and responsible one in the relationship you have established in your family. You complete your duties. In fact, your family gets so used to the little things you do to support your mother and father that they are treated as if they are your duty. If you don’t, you get a reaction, although you can’t give the reaction you want to give from time to time.
First of all, I can say that these answers determine your relationship language. Obviously, you have chosen self-sacrifice as the language of your relationship, and now everyone around you knows and accepts it. You have accepted that you have to compromise something in order to build a relationship. So how did you do that?
To know altruism, one must first learn what sacrifice is. I would like to point out that you may have taken a self-sacrificing person (possibly a family member) as a role model. Because this pattern starts at a young age and children learn through observation and imitation. In addition, you may have received ‘conditional love’ during your childhood. Like “I love you very much if you tidy your room”. This may have caused you to adopt the perception that you have to do something to be loved. Even if ‘conditional love’ isn’t necessarily verbally received (like your mother, who doesn’t normally kiss you, only kisses you when you tidy your room..), the mind knows and encodes its counterpart.
Some core beliefs can also affect altruism; such as feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. When a person thinks he is not lovable, he is content with being the person needed. The easiest way to meet people’s needs is to carry their responsibilities and get their work done. He thinks that he can be loved if someone does what he wants. Sacrifice arises as much out of guilt as it arises from the need to be loved. Being able to camouflage the sense of guilt in people who are constantly criticized, blamed, and disliked in childhood can develop a pattern of self-sacrifice.
If you are in such a dilemma and you realize it, you are actually providing the first condition for a solution. The most important condition is to be aware of this situation. Of course, it is not possible to suddenly change our point of view afterwards. Step by step, we need to reduce the behaviors we do too much, the unnecessary sacrifices. As I mentioned at the beginning of the article, sacrifice is very important. Not having it is a big problem, while having too much causes personal problems. For this reason, it is important to establish a balance here for our mental health and the satisfaction we get from life.
So what to do, how to get rid of this overly altruistic pattern?
Identify these extreme altruistic behaviors first. Determine what your duties are actually and what you are doing extra. Then start with the most insignificant and gradually reduce them to the most important. Set your limits and include the word no in your life. When you do these things, you will get a reaction from your environment, people will say things like “you have changed a lot, you weren’t like this before”. Even if you are struggling, stability is very important here. These are the beginnings for behavioral changes, but I recommend getting therapy support for mental and developmental changes.
