Pygmalion makes a beautiful statue of a woman and falls in love with the statue, giving it a name Galatea. She falls in love and begs the gods to come to life, let her be a real person, not a statue. Aphrodite/Venus hears him, rushes to his aid. The dream has come true…
Keep Your Expectations High
One of the personalities who came from mythological stories and became the subject of research in psychology is the talented Cypriot sculptor Pygmalion; The definition it brought to the literature is the “Pygmalion Effect,” in other words, “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy,” or the “Expectation Effect.” So, what is the Pygmalion effect? In the simplest definition, it means “whatever one expects, it is likely to happen”. In other words, our expectation directs our thoughts and behaviors, and therefore the result we will reach. This inference about expectations is based not only on a legend passed down from generation to generation, but also on the results of many researches; And yes, expectations, our expectations of situations, people, and relationships shape what happens. Those who are curious can read the Rosenthal studies and other studies on self-fulfilling prophecy. However, the subject of this article is expectations in relationships, self-fulfilling prophecies in relationships.
PYGMALION IN RELATIONS
Divorces have increased by 80% in the last 10 years. We know well that marriages are started not by saying “let’s be together for life” but by saying “we can get divorced”. Expectations about the future shape today’s behaviors, and today’s behaviors shape the future. The loop works negatively. Let’s look at a general example:
Belief/negative expectation that the relationship will end…
Realization of conflict situations (inevitable) and strengthening of negative belief…
The feeling of distance and behavior created by negative expectation…
Decreasing sharing, voicing the separation in line with expectations…
The strengthening of negative expectation…
Continuing (negative) behavior in line with expectation…
Separation / Divorce…
KEEP YOUR EXPECTATION HIGH
“Keeping high expectations in relationships causes many problems; Therefore, there is a common but erroneous proposition such as “Keep your expectations low and you will be happier”. The motivation offered at the base of the proposal is “avoid disappointment!” Research says: set your expectations high! Donald Baucom of the University of North Carolina has spent more than ten years researching the subject of expectations in marriage, and what he finally found is that people get what they expect from marriage. The higher your expectations in the relationship, the more likely you will be to achieve it; keep your expectations high.
AIM FOR AN ENOUGH RELATIONSHIP, NOT PERFECT
Based on data from Gottman’s relationship research, which has been going on since 1974, and from happy relationships, we say that your goal should be a “good enough relationship”. So don’t idealize relationships. Aim for an adequate relationship and keep your expectations high. Although these two propositions seem to contradict each other, their explanation is still included in the research results. The definition we call adequate relationship includes many features that we learn from happy and strong relationships. So what are the characteristics of happy, strong, adequate relationships?
LEARN FROM HAPPY RELATIONS
Happy couples are good friends first, they know each other well. They like each other and they can express that. They have a satisfying sex life. They trust each other and are totally committed. They can discuss the problems in a constructive way, they can maintain the dialogue about the problems they are in conflict with, they can discuss. Yes, there are arguments and unresolved issues in happy relationships, but they try to understand and compromise on these issues. They can hurt each other, find themselves in regrettable situations, but they also know how to make up. Each of them knows the other’s dreams well and they continue to do their best to make these dreams come true even though they are different. They have common values, common goals, and can create a common meaning system. They can agree on symbolic issues such as how they will raise their children, how they want their homes to be, how they will spend their holidays.
Please aim for an adequate relationship in these above characteristics. In good enough relationships, people have high expectations for how they want to be treated. In strong relationships, partners expect each other to receive love, care, respect, loyalty and compassion, and to feel safe in the relationship. They do not accept any form of abuse.
TALK ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Keep your expectations high about how you want your partner to treat you. This is not asking for favors from the universe, it is just telling your partner your needs. When we look at strong relationships, we see that they talk about their expectations, feelings and needs from each other in an uninterrupted dialogue. There is no problem in people telling each other their needs or even complaining without criticizing each other (saying you are corrupt) without blaming each other (not asking me how can you do this). While saying “you always neglect me” causes communication patterns such as criticism and defense that destroy the relationship, saying “I want to spend more time with you” really reveals the need, and at worst, it gives an opportunity to talk about the obstacles in front of wanting to spend time. However, not mentioning this need for intimacy causes people to be dragged into a distant and emotionally disconnected future. Express your needs and expectations from each other; share your feelings – even if they are negative. Every negative emotion contains information about the subject that is longed for. Do not deprive your relationship of this information.
AGAIN, KEEP YOUR EXPECTATION HIGH!
Set high expectations for how you want to be treated. High expectations in this regard determine how you are treated and bring happiness. Tell your partner your truth openly and honestly, state your needs, express your complaints (without criticism, defense, humiliation), tell your dreams. Listen to your partner’s dreams, learn, know his background, learnings and expectations well. Do your best to make them happen. Sharing expectations and needs is vital in order to know each other, manage conflict, realize dreams and create common meaning, which are indispensable features of strong relationships. Only when needs are known and met can people feel safe. You have the right, like everyone else, to be treated well, to be loved and to feel safe. Don’t be okay with less.
And let the statues you dream come to life in your relationship, not the future scenarios you dread to happen.
I wish you happy relationships…
