Everything Must Be Perfect- False target for the parent
How we would love to be the perfect parent. The mothers we watch in television commercials show us how to behave: Even though the children spill ketchup on white t-shirts, mothers smile lightly. There are powerful stain removers. Consider the father in another ad, although his son says he got poor grades in math, he is only interested in his coffee and thus trying to get through the difficult situation. No, we are not like that. We can get angry at the stained T-shirt and worry about what we did wrong with poor grades.
Emotions are human:
It is the right behavior to analyze and question the correctness of the behaviors we show to our children every time. Perfectionism in this regard is unattainable and, in fact, not necessary. The definition of being perfect can be said for a machine, but it is not an appropriate definition of humanity. Human beings have different situations, they can make mistakes, no matter how old they are, they can feel 5 or 50 different. In the family, which is the smallest social unity of the society, all the mistakes and intricate aspects of the people conflict with each other. If the family dynamic is not affected by this despite all the minor faults, that social union is a traded union. In such families, tolerance and functionality are at the forefront. Such families communicate with each other, giving them the opportunity to tolerate growth and fight for their own interests.
If Children Have No Right to Fail:
Parents who obsessively expect perfection from their children have to pay a high bill in return: because then they have to be perfect themselves, and that’s where the danger begins. A child who always has to bring home high grades has no right to fail in sports, music or housework, and this challenges the child in every area. Underlying this desire lies the parent’s own unfulfillment. At a later age, the child who does not approve of the parent, but goes to the path he chooses is faced with the sentence ‘but we did everything for you’. This sentence sounds like additional interest on a loan that has completed one year. Instead, it can be said that ‘we couldn’t do everything we wanted to do for you, we tried to give you a good childhood, but most of the time we had a hard time, most of the time we were angry with you but we were angry with ourselves, but we love you as you are’.
Children don’t need parents who do anything for them. Longing for their parents who are there for them when they need it. Parents should show understanding and at the same time guide and hold them in life. It should set necessary limits when necessary and avoid unnecessary prohibitions. When the friendly, non-stressful family behavior dynamic is added to this, the necessary environment for the healthy growth of the child is provided.
Breeding Boundaries Setting:
Boundaries should speak together with loving family relationships. When you say that children need boundaries, this sentence does not mean proving their own dictatorship to families. Showing boundaries to children means guiding children responsibly, showing the values and rules required by living together, and being aware that setting boundaries means security.
Boundaries mean stability and openness in family relationships. Not deciding what’s right or wrong about it worries many parents. In the competition with the other parent, with the fear of losing the love of their children, boundaries that are not suitable for the meaningless situation are set or no limits are set where necessary for the same reasons. For the parent, setting boundaries is the most disliked aspect of upbringing, and the setter wins the child’s anger and frustration.
Classical Situations and Solutions:
Asking, begging, stubborn:
‘don’t you think you ate enough sugar’?
‘didn’t you watch enough TV’?
‘you think he’s your age. What time do the children go to bed?’
Behind these questions is usually the parent’s own opinion on the subject. In order not to seem too authoritarian, the parents are afraid to clearly define the rules and hide behind the questions, waiting for the children to understand.
→ Instead, give your child clear, short messages:
‘You’ve had enough sugar today, I don’t want you to eat any more.’
‘please turn off the television.’
‘it’s getting late, now I want you to sleep.’
2. Commands to children in the background:
While the children are busy with something (playing games, watching TV…) the parent’s orders are heard in the background, that is, the child is called from another room. there is no eye contact.
‘tidy your room now’
‘hang up your coat’,
‘stop fighting’
Children show disregard for hearing things they don’t like. Apart from this, they can decide how serious the warnings are and how dangerous the events that may go unheard are.
→ Establish eye contact and contact with your children:
In undesirable situations, this means: go to the child’s eye level and say what you want from him in clear and short sentences.
3. Keeping the Relationship Too Short:
In the daily rush, most of the parents express their wishes quickly and then turn around and do something else, then wonder why orders are not followed.
→ Wait until the child reacts:
For example, we asked the child to hang up his coat (‘please hang his coat’) we say this and wait for the child to react so that the truth and meaning of the order becomes clearer and the same It allows to be treated in the right way at the time. That is, praising the child if the child hangs the jacket, or repeating the command to the child if he does not hang the jacket.
Prohibitions Instead of Orders:
‘stop fighting’
‘shuffling’
Adults often tell children what not to do and what not to do. They tell you what you need to do, what makes you angry. These statements create a great pressure on the behavior of the child.
→Use statements with your positive real expectations:
‘decide for yourself how to deal’
‘please sit down’
Thus, children can clearly communicate what is expected of them. way they learn.
5. Ordering Without Pre-Warning:
‘come here quickly’
‘you are finishing this now’
Children are often very busy with the things they love. they take care of themselves in such a way that they can’t distract themselves as quickly as the parent would like and therefore need time
→give kids prep time:
‘we’re sitting down to dinner in 5 minutes, finish your game’
‘We’ll be on our way in 10 minutes’
‘If you’ve finished the game, don’t start the new game, we’ll go to the dentist soon.
6.Why Questions:
‘why did you do this’
‘why are you crying’
‘why did you lie to me’
‘why are you fighting’
Why questions are not really aimed at the source of the problem. In fact, it gives children a sense of guilt and shows misbehavior. Children feel cornered and try to avoid these questions (‘I don’t know’) counter-answer (‘why don’t you know’) result. It does not satisfy the parent and the child.
→search for solution:
‘Please rearrange’
‘what can you do to get along with each other’
‘do you know how to fix the problem’ ?
Thus, children are not given the opportunity to use a defense mechanism, but with this experiment, problems are solved and necessary encouragement is given to the child to solve problems.
7. Threatening with Unrealistic Fines:
‘If you don’t turn off the TV, you won’t leave the house for 6 weeks’
‘If you don’t come home on time, we won’t take you on vacation’
‘If you don’t finish your gold plate, I won’t give you food again’
With such or similar threats, children either become afraid or insecure or learn about the empty and ineffective threats of adults.
→give realistic and appropriate orders:
‘If you turn on the TV, you won’t be able to watch your favorite show today’
‘if you don’t come home on time, we’ll be worried about you, then we’ll be at home all day tomorrow
‘you don’t have to eat if you’re not hungry but you can’t have dessert after dinner’
What can you do to get your children to listen to you:
1.more good, praise and truth head over to:
‘nice to come on time’
‘it’s great that you helped me’
‘it’s good that you thought of it’,
‘it’s great that you succeeded ‘
Children don’t have to behave differently if they get enough attention for what they do well.
2. Praise for Appropriate Behavior:
Children are more likely to show desired behaviors frequently with praiseworthy support. The rule here is that if an undesirable behavior is punished, good behavior should be rewarded.
3. Rule Setting:
‘the television will be turned off while eating’
‘everyone will put their own plate in the dishwasher’
‘slippers will be worn at home’
Clear, understandable rules applicable to all make living together easier and reduce pointless arguments. The important thing here is to test whether the rules comply with the current family order and to change the rules according to life changes. The rules can be determined by the negotiations and agreements of the family members with each other.
4.Effective Requests:
‘Parents’ requests are effective if they include the following items:
Report our requests when you are ready to implement them
Positive or negative before submitting requests calculate the results well.
Do not give children any requests while they are distracted by television, video, computer.
While talking to you, make sure the child is paying attention to you (eye contact).
Report our requests as orders, not requests.
Say your wishes once and ask the child to repeat them.
Stay close to the child while he or she is making your request.
5. Penalties and logical consequences:
For penalties to be effective:
Penalties must be relevant to the event.
Not at any time, but in the time following the event
Applicable to the child
The child must have been discussed before
Not against the child but against what the child did .
Must be forewarned.
Whatever the parent does, arbitrary, thoughtless, age-appropriate punishments damage child-parent relationships.
They should consider that the parent once had a child and remember their own upbringing experience.
