If you are hesitant about how to talk about death with your child, you are not alone. Many of us are afraid to talk about death, especially with children. However, death is an indispensable part of life and if we want to help them, we should be able to talk to them about it. Even if talking doesn’t solve everything, when we don’t, we are of limited help to them.
Talking to children about death depends on their age and experience. It also depends on our experiences, beliefs, emotions, and how we find ourselves in a position.
In fact, children have noticed death in their daily lives. He saw dead birds, insects or other animals on a corner of the road. They hear the news of death at least once a day on television or in computer games, listen to them in fairy tales, and portray them in their games. Death is part of everyday life and to some extent, children are aware of it. If we let children talk to us about death, we can give them the necessary information and help them when they are upset. If we pay attention and show respect for what they say, their communication will increase. If we are happy, honest and open with our own feelings about death, we will increase the talk of children about it. Then it may be helpful to review the barriers that limit your communication:
Communication Barriers
Avoidance, Confrontation
We generally avoid talking about things that upset us. We think it’s better not to talk about death at all than to talk about it. But just because we don’t talk doesn’t mean we don’t communicate. Children are great observers. They read our faces and understand our body language. When we avoid talking about a sad event, children are hesitant to bring it up or ask questions about it. Avoiding talking means something like, ‘If mom and dad aren’t talking about it, it’s a really bad thing and it’s better if I don’t talk about it’. In fact, when parents avoid talking about death, they cause children to worry more about it and hide their feelings. Anxiety about the unknown is more troublesome than facing the truth. The child can imagine different things in his inner world and draw worst or unrealistic scenarios in his mind.
Another problem arises from directly confronting children with information they do not understand or do not want to know. In order to talk about sensitive issues, it is necessary to make the child open to communication. In other words, communication can be achieved by establishing a balance between avoidance and confrontation. What can be done to establish this balance:
-Seek appropriate time to communicate with children.
-Be honest to get the child to communicate. Answer in simple language the questions he asks according to his age. When answering their questions, speak briefly, with answers appropriate for their age, and do not mumble in long sentences.
-Acknowledge the child’s feelings by listening.
– Suggest him to give honest explanation when he is really upset.
Perhaps the most difficult thing is to understand our own feelings and thoughts about death, and when appropriate conditions develop, we can talk about this issue more easily with children.
Not Knowing All the Answers
We don’t feel comfortable talking to children, especially if we don’t know the answers. Especially younger children think that their parents know everything. But death is the most unknown part of life. We feel fearful and hesitant when we talk about it. Parents who are in this situation may not know what to do when they want to explain and talk about this situation to the child. Not all answers are comforting, and we can tell them the way we truly believe. An honest explanation can be made as “I cannot find a complete answer on this subject”. This is better than passing on an explanation we don’t believe in. No matter how well-constructed, white lies undermine trust and credibility. Saying that we do not know everything calmly and without being defensive supports their acceptance of this situation and the development of their own beliefs in the future.
Overcoming Taboos
Talking about death is an avoidable taboo, but death is an integral part of life. In the previous century, when medicine and technology were behind, people died in their homes, children and adults would support each other by living death together by gathering around their loved ones. Today, however, death is more solitary. Most people die while nurses are around in the hospital. His loved ones spend less time with the deceased and cannot spend their last time together. Thus, death becomes more and more isolated from life. As a result, the mystery of death increases, and the fears of some become evident.
In fact, it should be realized that death is the natural consequence of every living thing. Post-mortem sadness is best overcome only by spending time together and supporting each other or simply being there.
Developmental Stages
Studies have shown that children understand death according to developmental stages. For example, preschool children see death as a temporary, reversible concrete situation. Between the ages of 5 and 9, they begin to realize that death means the end of life, that all living things will eventually die. But they do not understand that it is personal. They try to revive death. By associating death with a skeleton or angel of death, they may have nightmares about these dreams.
From the ages of 9-1o to adolescence, children realize that death is irreversible and that everyone, including themselves, will die one day. Some ponder over philosophical approaches to life and death. Adolescents keep questioning the meaning of life in their own minds.
Children’s understanding of period-specific death is only possible thanks to the parents who know the characteristics of the child’s period. For example, arguing or conflicting with the adolescent about death may be perceived as a threat to his own thoughts and may cause him not to accept the death event or to develop different reactions.
Personal Experiences
All children’s life experiences are unique and the way they handle and show their emotions is different. Some children start asking questions about death at age 3. Some kids don’t talk about death at all, but they work it out in their games. No matter how they express their feelings about death, they need sympathetic and nonjudgmental responses from adults. With careful listening and observation, important clues can be obtained regarding the appropriate approach according to the child’s needs. Simple and short explanations are appropriate for preschool and young school age children. Long advice and complex answers to their questions bore and confuse them. You can talk by giving concrete and similar examples. We can explain death to children as follows; ‘When a person dies, he does not breathe, eat, speak, think. When a dog dies, it does not bark or run. Like ‘when a plant dies, it no longer grows and does not flower’.
Some children ask questions right away, while others remain silent and come to you after a while and ask questions. Each question should be answered simply and accurately. It is important what the child understands from what is being said. Sometimes kids just want to ask and hear the same answers over and over again. Over time, children experience new experiences and share their feelings and thoughts with more detailed explanations.
-When giving news of someone’s death to children; Explaining with sentences such as ‘he is gone now, he has left us’, asleep, taking a long rest increases their anxiety even more and confuses them.
– Being told that the cause of death is illness causes anxiety when the child thinks that the result will be death in the future experience of illness. Therefore, when explaining the disease as the cause of death, it should be noted that only serious diseases result in death or most diseases are cured.
-Another generalization about death is that old age is mentioned as the cause of the disease. This explanation will lose its credibility when the child sees the death of someone at a young age.
-Death can be mentioned from time to time by taking advantage of less emotional opportunities in daily life. It is easier to talk about the death of living things such as a flower, an insect, a bird. Children may become even more curious and continue to ask questions. Children’s curiosity should be answered calmly and simply without feeling guilty.
Children’s Responses to Death
When children experience death around them, they may develop some different reactions. These are:
Guilt
In some studies, children who experience the death of a close relative at home, such as a sibling or parent, often feel guilty. Children have difficulty in establishing the cause and effect relationship of this event and they think that they caused the death themselves. They may say that death is their punishment for their actions: “My mother died and left me because I was naughty”.
In such situations, first of all, support the child to talk and share their feelings and thoughts with you. Then about their feelings of guilt; make them feel loved and supported. Don’t tell them how to feel. Unfortunately, the statements of families in our country who try to support their children in this regard are guiding: “Don’t be sad. Don’t feel guilty.” Discourses such as ignoring the child’s feelings both ignore the feelings of the child, and the feelings that are incompatible with reality are requested from the child.
Anger
The loss of a close person causes anger in both adults and children. Adults get angry at doctors and nurses or at themselves for not being able to stop death. Children openly express their anger, especially after the death of their caregivers. Sometimes they get angry with the deceased. Regardless of their feelings of anger or fear, they should be made to feel that their care will continue.
Regression
Children may regress to past characteristics with the loss of a loved one; such as bedwetting, thumb sucking, stuttering, fears, and childlike behavior. It should be known that these behaviors are temporary and children should continue to be supported during this period.
Depression and other behavioral problems
Some children import their anger, they may begin to complain of uneasiness, withdrawal, and aggressive behavior. If these complaints continue 6 months after death and affect the child’s life, such as sleep, appetite problems, ongoing fears, decrease in school success, deterioration in friend relations, specialist help from a child psychiatrist is required.
In our country, traditional behaviors of death and caring for the deceased are supportive of the child and the family of the deceased. The dead house is not left alone, anyone who cries is listened to, supported, and allowed to speak. Neighbors and relatives bring food to the home of the deceased, support the relatives financially and morally, and share their pain. More time is spent one-on-one with children who have lost a loved one, and their care is supported. Continuation of such traditional behaviors makes death easier to overcome. Children can be prepared according to their age and situation and go to the tomb of the deceased. These make it easier for children to understand death and to express their own feelings and thoughts.
Selcen ESENYEL
Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist
