There are many different things that can ruin a great relationship. Even though cheating is the first thing that comes to mind, you can consistently say “Nothing is going well in our relationship”, “My ex cheated on me and he’s going to cheat too”, “We’re going to break up eventually”, “Men are insecure”, “My partner is constantly Negative thoughts such as “following someone on social media, sure eye out” are the result of cognitive distortions and can harm your current relationship in every way.
Emotion, thought and behavior are a whole and affect each other. The emotions and behaviors of each individual are related to how they interpret the events they experience. The effects of the events experienced and the meaning attributed to those events are personal. How you perceive events directs your emotions, and since you sometimes see events as you perceive them rather than as they are, your perceptions distort what is happening in the outside world and this causes you to perceive the events you are experiencing incorrectly. Thoughts that cause a misperception of reality are called “Cognitive Distortions” by the science of psychology.
Cognitive distortions are systematic errors in thinking. When a person’s beliefs are biased, they develop cognitive distortions that create negative ways of seeing situations rather than positive, and over time, these cognitive distortions cause negative feelings such as depression, irritability, anxiety, and insecurity.
Your thoughts about your relationship are a filter that strongly influences how you see and feel about your partner and colors the quality of your interactions. Positive thoughts lead to good feelings, harmonious interactions, and intimacy, while negative thoughts lead to bad feelings, anger, and resentment towards the partner in relationships. Continually dealing with cognitive distortions caused by negative thoughts in bilateral relations will cause conflicts and separations.
The most common cognitive distortions in relationships;
Overgeneralization:
Do not come to a negative conclusion about your partner based on one or a few events.
For example: Your partner’s meeting with his friends once or twice a month, making generalizations about your partner with sentences such as “He is always interested in his friends, he is not as interested in me as he is with his friends”.
Catastrophizing:
Believing that a situation is much worse than it actually is.
For example: When you have a small argument with your partner, “This time we will break up for sure, I know he never loved me and I will die alone and unhappy because I will not be with anyone else.” A thought pattern that can cause a small fight to turn into chaos with thoughts such as
Personalization:
Do not believe that events that are unrelated to you are entirely about you.
For example: When you see your partner tired and unhappy, thinking “He doesn’t want to take care of me, he’s definitely bored with me, I’m already a very inadequate lover” and assuming that any situation is related to yourself.
“Should” Sentences Describing Utopian Relationship:
Thinking that everything should be the way you want it to be and setting unrealistic goals.
For example, unrealistic requests such as “If my partner loves me, he should constantly take care of me, isolate himself from his friends, go everywhere with me”.
Mind Reading:
Based on your partner’s behavior, they make assumptions about what goes through their mind.
For example: Assumptions such as “I bored him, he is bored with me, he does not value me” as a result of answering a phone call while he is spending time with your partner.
False Sense of Responsibility:
Believing that you have more power than you already have.
For example: You think your partner’s happiness is entirely up to you, and when your partner is sad, you assume it’s your fault.
Ways to Get Rid of Negative Thought Patterns
If you enter every relationship thinking that your partner will leave you or be unfaithful, you are always expecting the worst outcome for your relationship. If you have negative thinking patterns in your relationship, here are some things you can do to prevent them:
Let go of the past and live in the present: If you’ve been hurt in a past relationship, you can constantly bring up past relationship issues or compare them to your past relationship to avoid getting hurt in a new relationship. However, this situation causes you to feel distrust towards your partner, to exaggerate the feeling of jealousy and to constantly agitate. You need to leave behind any hurt you’ve had in the past and focus on your current relationship.
Remind yourself that you don’t have as much power as you think, and remember that the feelings and actions of others are their responsibility, not yours.
Instead of making assumptions, try to contact your partner to explain.
You conveyed your feelings and thoughts to your partner with the right communication techniques.
Remember that you and your partner are not perfect: we are all human, we have faults and imperfections. Not everything your partner does will be “right”.
Recognize that every relationship has its ups and downs, to see things as they are rather than taking things personally.
Reframe what ought to be as a choice or wish.
Final word: In a solid relationship, there is being able to feel love, reflecting emotions, empathizing, showing respect and working for the partner. “Love” that does not turn into behavior is not love.
