Setting rules and boundaries for children is a psychological and developmental need for the benefit of the child. For the child’s mental and physical well-being and social harmony, he must know his limits and obey the rules. In this respect, the approach of parents is very important.
Children should not be approached too intrusively, and their behavior that does not pose a threat to their mental and physical aspects should not be stopped. Otherwise, we will discourage the child’s curiosity, exploration and individuality, and damage the secure and close relationship with the child. To say stop to the child, to set rules-boundaries; It makes children feel safe and valued. It increases the motivation of children to obey social rules, control their impulses, cooperate, explore, take responsibility and correct their mistakes. When we never stop the child and set no limits; the possibility of exclusion, conflict and negative reaction at home and in society increases.
Some children in our society are more likely to have difficulty setting rules and boundaries. When we look at the characteristics of children at risk;
Being the first grandchild of the family,
Being born late or by assisted reproductive method,
Being in danger of life during pregnancy or infancy,
A persistent physical illness
A sibling passed away before him,
Living in an extended family,
Both parents work,
Parents are divorced or We encounter factors such as losing a parent,
being active, impatient and stubborn.
What should be considered when warning children?
Children are very good observers, they easily notice who says stop when, in which situations the rules change, who obeys the rules or not, and can easily go beyond the rules. What we say is more effective on children than what we do. If we apply the behaviors we expect from the child in our own lives, there will be no need for warning most of the time.
If you hit your child when he doesn’t do what you want, he will try to get what he wants by hitting when he doesn’t want it. When some families set a rule for their child, they have concerns such as “if he does not love me, if his psychology deteriorates, if he loses his self-confidence, if he is unhappy”. However, even though we are adults, we falter when we enter a society whose rules we do not know. Children also experience confusion and insecurity when parents do not set rules or change rules frequently. This situation adversely affects the relationship with other people, especially the relationship with the parents, and may cause situations that the family fears unknowingly and cause harm to the child.
Children want to do whatever they want, to have what they want instantly and not be hindered. Because they are young, they have difficulties in delaying their requests, waiting, anger control and self-expression. Therefore, when trying to be stopped, they try to get what they want by crying, kicking, shouting, throwing things, hitting themselves or others. As a parent, take into account the child’s age, developmental level, personality traits and past experiences with the child, and act appropriately. For example, instead of “No, you can’t drink coke”, you can calmly say, “It’s not healthy for you to drink coke, so you shouldn’t drink it, we can squeeze orange juice together if you want.” If the child does not accept, do not enter into mutual stubbornness, argument and bargaining. Your sentences should be short, clear, confident and determined, not angry or pleading. You give detailed, reasonable, logical, convincing information and examples, while your child may be thinking about what he should do to achieve his goal. Calmly stop him if he engages in behavior that may be harmful to himself, to you, and to those around him. If no one is likely to be harmed by his reaction, go to him and only make eye contact and wait for him to calm down quietly. If he is uncomfortable being approached and the severity of the reaction increases, move away from him and wait for him to calm down a little.
Do not bribe or reward the child with “If you stop crying, I will give you chocolates, I will give you a phone” to end his reaction. Doing so will reinforce the child’s wrong attitude and increase the likelihood of repetition. If he comes to you when his anger subsides and repeats the same request, repeat your previous answer with the same determination and calmness. While it is wrong to say “yes” to children’s requests that should be said “no”, it is more wrong to say “no” first and then change your decision to “yes”. Do not threaten to complain to someone else (father, teacher, psychiatrist) when you have difficulty in setting rules and boundaries for children, this behavior will be understood by the child as “I can’t say no to you”. Then it will be more difficult for you to set rules for the child and say no. If the rules and boundaries you set for your child change when you are alone, when guests come, on a trip and when you go to a guest, your child will notice this. The child, who you can say to stop while alone and obey the rules, may behave and request unexpected behaviors in other environments, leaving you in a difficult situation.
Parents’ personality structure, mental and physical illness, financial difficulties, problems between spouses make it difficult to set boundaries for children. If the attitudes of the parents are different in setting limits to the child, there will be conflict about saying stop, and the child will be confused. First, clear up your differences in attitude, at least avoid arguing in front of the child or interfering with the other’s rule. Difficulty in learning the boundaries of the child is not only caused by the parents, but also the character and mental problems of the child. For example, hyperactive children have serious difficulties in obeying rules and obeying rules because they are stubborn, impulsive, persistent and impatient. Parents sometimes ignore the child’s situation and blame themselves or each other, thinking that the child is doing it on purpose. As a result, they try to solve the problem with a more rigid attitude and enter a vicious circle.
It is very important to have a good relationship in order to set rules and limits for your child. Therefore, take time to play, laugh and relax for about half an hour each day. Going out with your family once a week, doing pleasant activities outside, and having a good time will improve your relationship.
It is necessary to seek help from a child mental health specialist for border-rule-setting difficulties that disrupt the relationship between parents and children, cause frequent arguments and mutual anger, and psychologically harm both the parent and the child.
