The first 1 year of life is the period when a child’s “basic sense of trust” develops. In this first year of life, a child needs to be with his mother, to be shown love and to be cared for. The mouth and lips are the most important means of expressing the needs of the child, recognizing the outside world and feeding him. For this reason, breastfeeding is of great importance not only in terms of feeding the child, but also in terms of providing a sensual contact with the mother and relieving tensions. In this period, it is important that the mother is in the closest place that the child can reach, in meeting these needs of the child. A baby whose mother is not with him when he needs it experiences serious anxiety and tension, and when his mother comes to him, there is relief.
In order for a child to develop a ‘basic sense of trust’, he should learn that periods of separation are short-lived, especially in the first year of life, and that even if his mother is not with him, he will come after a while and separations are reversible. Once this is learned, the child develops a sense of confidence and hope. In the next period, separations begin to become less worrying for the child and the tension created in the child decreases to levels that can be tolerated much more easily than before. If, for various reasons, this first year of life passes with long-term separations and indifference, the child will tend to display an insecure, insecure relationship, avoidant, introvert or lack empathy in his close relationships in the following years.
For all these reasons, as well as for the child to form sleep-wake habits, eating habits and for the mother to learn to adapt to it, it is necessary to sleep together, especially in the first year of life.
After this age, even though the parents are in a separate room, the child can get used to being apart if they can reach him easily. In short, we can say that if the opportunities allow, the child can become ready to leave the parents after the age of 1 year.
Basically, the development of the child’s ability to sleep in a separate room is very pleasurable, just like walking, running, and holding a spoon, are developments that show independence and individualization and increase self-confidence. The fact that the child can sleep in a separate room ensures that the processes of starting the kindergarten and school are comfortable. The ‘sleeping experience’, which may cause anxiety for the child in the beginning, will turn into a proud action as time passes and the anxiety gradually decreases as time passes.
The duty of parents during these transition periods is to understand the anxiety that the child may experience, to be supportive and encouraging. It will be discouraging for the child to make the next attempt if the parent becomes anxious after a child’s unsuccessful experience and feels guilty about being rigid. eg. It is a wrong behavior to take a child who has started sleeping in his own room back to the parent room after any fearful dream. Instead, it would be better to sit next to the bed for a while and let the child sleep after the head is patted and comforted. In addition, not leaving the child’s room will cause changes in the bedtimes of the child, mother and father, the parents may have to sleep in separate rooms, which will negatively affect the mother-father relationship.
There are many reasons why children do not want to sleep alone. Some of them may be related to the developmental period of the child, while others may be related to parental attitudes and life events.
Children aged 3-5 years are more interested in gender differences and sexuality related issues in accordance with the psychosexual developmental period. During this period, girls may be more fond of their fathers and boys may display more affectionate attitudes towards their mothers. They may engage in behaviors such as touching parents and observing their differences. At this age, the child identifies with the parent of his own gender. He may want to sleep among them. All this is part of normal development.
Fears: We encounter certain fears more in children at certain ages. Especially at the age of 3-4, fears such as darkness, monsters, creatures coming out of the closet, and thieves are frequently encountered. This can cause children to refuse to sleep alone. Here, the duty of the mother or caregiver is to help the child to fall asleep easier. Approaches such as reading fairy tales, singing lullabies, stroking his hair, and putting a favorite toy next to him give the child a feeling of comfort and security.
After the age of six, an increase in fear is observed again. Children’s stories, movies, etc. told in the environment. They appear to be heavily influenced. Since abstract thinking is not fully developed, fears of death, the aging of the parent, etc. Fears such as these may reveal separation anxiety in children. Children’s concerns about this issue should be explained in a language that they will understand, with little detail but satisfactory, and a reassuring attitude should be displayed. eg. A wrong answer to a child’s question about death, such as “death is not falling asleep and waking up”, can mean that the child does not want to sleep, clings to the mother, etc. may have adverse results.
Such fears are often considered as a part of normal development and tend to resolve spontaneously and with correct approaches, without additional support, if they are not at a level that impairs the child’s quality of life.
Life events:
Every new situation that children encounter in their lives, such as the birth of a sibling, moving, divorce of parents, deaths, starting daycare or school, is just as worrying as it is in adults. In such cases, the children have acquired the ability to sleep alone, toilet skills, etc. They may lose their skills such as, exhibit behaviors that are lower than their age, sleep appetite changes, finger sucking and nail biting behaviors. In such processes, this type of behavior of the child should be tried to be understood, patient should be acted according to the difficulty of the process, and should be encouraged so that the child can exhibit his old skills again. Family members should not avoid getting expert support, especially in situations that create serious stress for both the parent and the child.
Attitude errors of parents:
We see the problem of not being able to sleep alone in the children of anxious, apprehensive and overprotective parents. Here, the mother exhibits a dependent attitude to the child, and the child with her behavior models this behavior of the mother in the same way. It is known that children with frequent respiratory tract infections, allergies, or other health problems, especially since their childhood, are often kept by their mothers, and this behavior reinforces the dependency between mother and child, even with good intentions, and negatively affects the child’s individualization and development of trust. In addition, these children often have difficulties in starting nursery and school, and it is seen that they may experience serious separation anxiety.
Another attitude mistake parents make is triggering their children’s fears without realizing it. The mistake made here is often in the form of scaring children who resist sleeping. Expressions such as “If you don’t sleep, the bogeymen will come and take you” should definitely not be used.
Another faulty parenting attitude is frequently divorced or working parents. In both cases, parents think that they do not show enough time and attention to their children or that they cannot spend quality time together, and they sleep with their children with a sense of guilt, and in this way, they unconsciously prevent the child from being individualized.
The parents should know that a few quality hours they spend with the child when they come home in the evening, or if they are a divorced couple, spending the time they will be together on weekends will be enough to provide the feeling of love, interest and trust that the child needs.
