ACCEPTANCE AND STABILITY THERAPY
- Overview of Pain
Although every living thing feels physical pain, human is a creature that can also feel inner pain. This pain is sometimes caused by his own mind and sometimes by the approaches of others. For example, while our obsessions, perfectionism, and controllingness invite pain to ourselves, situations such as mobbing, discrimination and labeling are the pain inflicted on us by others. Humans, by nature, avoid pain. He tries to control the pain by avoiding painful memories and thoughts, so he becomes numb, numbing his emotions or trying to suppress them. He tries not to think, not to remember, unfortunately, he often cannot be successful in this. Avoiding experiencing painful processes is actually the biggest obstacle to getting used to and the most dysfunctional coping method. The painful situation, thought, moment must be seen as it is, neither more nor less.
- Is the Past Past?
We all have values in life that make us who we are and make life meaningful. Who am I, what do I represent, 80. It is possible to find these values by asking questions such as what would I like to have left behind on my birthday. But sometimes the past comes to us so much that it becomes difficult to focus on the present. For this, we need to clear our minds again.
We have no choice as to what happened in the past, they have been and gone but now is the past of our future days. The only place we can touch is the present moment.
Recognizing and accepting the impact of our painful past experiences on the present and focusing on action towards our values now leads to meaningful change in life. Thus, the dominance of the disturbing memory in our minds decreases. As the darkness decreases as the sun rises, the effect of yesterday will decrease as our actions towards our values today increase in our minds. Mevlana’s words also convey this concisely;
It’s gone with yesterday, my dear,
How many words belong to yesterday.
Now it needs to be said new things.
- Decisive Action Against Inaction
Inaction or impulsive actions do not get us to our destination. First, we must determine the value we want to reach in life and take decisive actions in that direction. Other than that, we cannot bring about meaningful change in our lives. Every therapy ends when it gains new behavioral experiences. Impulsive actions always throw us off in life, but still do not lead to a meaningful and enthusiastic life.
Imagine you are a bus driver. There are many passengers on the bus. At each stop, someone gets on the bus and someone gets off the bus. After all, there is enough space on the bus for all passengers. Some of the passengers are disturbing, some are happy, some are calm. But your job is to use the bus. If you focus too much on the contents of the bus, you are likely to crash. You hear them, you acknowledge their existence. You see them in the mirror from time to time, but you have to keep going. They will continue to get on and off as the road continues.
This is your life path, you are the driver of the bus. Passengers are your memories, your pain, your thoughts. You have to accept their presence and move on. Don’t worry, there is room for all of them on the path of life. No happiness lasts forever, and no pain lasts forever. They will accompany us on our life path for a while and then they will leave. Wonder, why, how questions only distract us from the road. Acknowledging their existence, on the other hand, allows us to move decisively on the path we will go by carrying the pain.
- Goals and Values
We have goals in life. Goals are achievable and done. We also have values. Values never end. When our goals are in harmony with our values and we shape our behaviors accordingly, we achieve a meaningful life.
What is most sincerely important to us in life? What do we live for? What do we put first? If we think of what we put forward as a compass and take steps in the direction of that compass every day, it means we are on the right path. But if we don’t know where we’re going, we’ll never get there.
- Fighting Thoughts
Fighting thoughts, anxieties, fears is like having a tug-of-war with a monster. The harder we pull, the stronger it will pull. There is a bottomless pit between us and the beast. If we lose, we will fall into a bottomless pit. Then we must learn not to fight it, but to act wisely and slowly let go of that rope. We can go on even when we have worries in our minds. We must not let it keep us from living up to our own values in life. We must be able to move on despite the anxieties and fears. And once we start to experience it, it will be easier to continue.
While trying to control our emotions and thoughts, we may lose control of our lives (as in the case of the bus). Thus, it seems that life is not a process that needs to be experienced, but a problem that needs to be solved. This returns to us as fatigue and burnout after a while. Of course, in the meantime, our life satisfaction decreases as time flies. However, when we look at what we can and cannot control in life, we can see how effective our control effort is.
How important it is to strive for what is within our control and can be changed diligently; It is just as important not to dwell on what we cannot control.
Accepting the things that happen to us in life is the first step in looking ahead and moving on. Whatever the emotion of the moment brings, to live that emotion bravely, to experience the process and to know that it will pass when the time comes…
Conclusion
What would you do if you lived bravely today? If you were free to do anything, what would you do if you weren’t focused on whether there would be consequences, whether people would think you were different or whether it would make you feel good?
Considering the difference between you and the things you struggle with, are you willing to accept all of those things as a whole and without defense, and do what is necessary to take decisive action in the direction of the values that make you who you are in life and for which you live and make life meaningful?
Source- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Steven C. Hayes/Jason Lillis
