Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how we manage conflict and how we deal with it fairly. The most important thing we need for this fight is to keep the intelligent part of our brain as active as possible.
If we divide our brain into two parts;
First part; our constantly updated, upper brain “intelligent brain”
Second part; It is our “primitive brain” that has never changed or evolved for tens of thousands of years.
The part that drags us into conflict the most is our “primitive brain”. Our primitive brain can be greedy, aggressive and suspicious without thinking for self-preservation.
This primitive part of our brain is actually the fast-running part of our brain that keeps us alive. It activates our fight-or-flight responses.
Our smart brain; it makes us think about the next step and what will happen, by saying reasoning, keeping the peace, be smart, don’t do things that you will regret.
The logic of protect yourself first, which is in our primitive brain, can very quickly get us out of the window of tolerance. However, we have the ability to handle conflicts in a win-win manner. Our best opportunity to manage conflict and deal fairly will be by keeping each other in a window of tolerance. For this, we will need to keep our smart brain online all the time.
Even after lengthy consultations, you will have a moment to make up your mind. We can only make the right decision with the help of our intelligent mind.
So how do we keep this “smart” mind active?
Use your eyes. It can be used to convey security and intimacy as an antidote to the primitive brain. (Don’t fight over text or text where you’re not looking face-to-face or eye-to-eye) this is something I’ve put a lot of emphasis on. Look into each other’s eyes silently with your partner for 3 minutes (how did you feel? How did the time pass? Take notes), although it may be difficult at first, you will feel different, trust me.
Stick to one topic. Smoke screens are created when you jump from one subject to another in a fight. Our primitive mind is guarded, alerted, and prepared for battle.
Body language. Be sure of how you use your body. Sudden movements activate our primitive minds and prepare for battle.
Become aware of yourself and make the necessary adjustments. Take deep breaths and focus on what you and your partner are thinking and feeling. You can use different editing tools for this.” What will I think of my word or response 10 minutes to 10 days from now? What will I feel? The number doesn’t matter.” The important thing is to ask for help from our intelligent brain and involve it in the subject.
Be mindful of your tone. If your speech has outbursts, tremors, and fluctuations, you are close to stepping out of the window of tolerance.
Our anger may feel good, but it doesn’t serve us well. It usually causes us to step outside the window of tolerance. Communicate this to your partner as you begin to organize yourself to stay there. Remind yourself that you have chosen each other from among so many people and that you can love them just as they are. Let your eyes, voice and body language support you.
