Shall we take a closer look at the meaning of the word “NO” for children, which is often used in families with small children, which is thought to be a stopper but often makes it more attractive or causes resistance?
First of all, children around the age of 2, who are in the transition phase from infancy to childhood, have many tasks related to themselves. They want to explore the world by constantly improving their increasing skills. The first aim of these energetic explorers, who have achieved independence of movement, can walk, run, climb and jump, and can use their hands easily, is to recognize the objects that interest him, to stir and poke around. And in the meantime, managing their parents and pushing their limits are indispensable for their development in cases where their strength and stature are not enough. Families filled with a sense of helplessness hope that when they say “NO” to their children, all their unwanted behaviors will come to an end. But unfortunately that is not the case in reality. Young children who are unimpeded in the testing process can learn by consistency in behavior rather than words. When they hear “No”, they can take a short break from what they are doing, but if they do not feel clarity behind it, they can continue where they left off.
In the developmental journey of children, their approach and adaptation to “No” changes according to their competencies in each period. For example;
When they are 12-18 months old, they take a break from their work in response to “No”. However, they mostly continue. For this, we should not use “No” frequently except in situations that would violate the child’s safety, and in dangerous situations, we should direct it with our actions as well as verbal expressions. (No, don’t play with the socket!” Instead of saying “We don’t touch the socket”, the child should be kept away from the socket every time and socket protections should be used against possible leakages)
When 18-30 months old, “No” is not very meaningful if the information is not given and the option is not presented. (“No, don’t throw the glass!” instead of “To drink a glass of water, but you can throw the ball if you want.” )
When you are 36 months old, cooperation should be suggested with the message “I understand you” instead of “No”.( “No, don’t pour the water on the ground!” instead of “If you want to play with water, I can give you a separate bowl for it, or how about pouring the water into the sink instead of the floor?”)
If the child is 3-5 years old, he is more familiar with the rules and right-wrong in the use of “No”. We can help him change the behavior we don’t want with the behavior we want. Being calm and consistent will be our key to gain the right behaviors in preschool children, who understand what the unwanted behavior is and why it is wrong. (“No, I don’t want you to cry” instead of “I think you want it (or you don’t) very much, but I can understand you much better when you talk about it.”)
As a result, when we read the behavior of children better according to their developmental period, we can only get it right and on the spot. It will be easier for our children to adapt to NO when we say “No” when necessary, when we do not neutralize it by using it excessively, when we do not turn our “No”s into “Yes” in the face of the child’s protest behaviors (crying, shouting, sulking, hitting,…).
I wish you many happy days with little “No” in your parenting journey.
