Living with the Perception of Danger: Anxious-Insecure Attachment
Seeking trust intensely in relationships, having difficulty focusing on other areas, channeling all the energy into the relationship, and the feeling of anxiety that disappears only when you are in contact with him… Do we experience such situations in our relationships? When you feel uncomfortable/dangerous in your close relationship, is it possible to seek reassurance/reassurance to get back to normal, but if this does not come, experiencing excessive anxiety about the relationship raises the alarm that you have an anxious attachment style?
The close relationship established with parents in early childhood (0-6 years) shapes the close relationships established with other people in adulthood. Individuals with an anxious-insecure attachment style received inconsistent care and protection from their parents in early childhood. Sometimes it is present in meeting the needs and requirements of the caregiver, and sometimes it is not. For this reason, it cannot develop a sense of security. He tries to get the love and attention from his parents, which was not given to him, from the other side by struggling, by scraping it with his nails, so to speak, in adulthood. In this way, he seeks to heal his childhood trauma, which causes him to become even more clingy and obsessed with his partner.
People with an anxious-insecure attachment style have the ability to feel intensely that the relationship is under threat. At the slightest hint that something is wrong, it activates the anxious attachment system, and once this mechanism is set in motion, the partner cannot calm down until they receive the signal that he is truly there and that the relationship is safe. They have a lot of thoughts like what would I do if they think about the worst scenario, but there is no point in killing yourself before you die, this is not logical and realistic. A constant perception of danger can cause the person to display more reactive behaviors and show his anger at a higher pitch.
The partners he chooses are usually inaccessible due to a characteristic. People who have a secure attachment style and can establish a secure attachment do not fall on his radar. Usually, the person he chooses is the one who will not be able to respond to his love and needs in the way he wants. In the core belief of anxious-insecure attachment; There is the thought, “If I endure, if I try hard enough, if I love, I can get love from a difficult person”.
So what can be done to get out of this cycle? It’s important to know and accept your true relationship needs first. Expressing needs allows the person to be himself first, which positively contributes to feelings of happiness and satisfaction. It is necessary to evaluate the very intense danger perception with a realistic analysis. If a correct analysis is not done in a situation that would not normally be worried, excessive anxiety and fear may be felt.
Most importantly, in order not to be a leaf blowing in the wind, one should learn to turn to himself. She should activate other sources of support in her life so she doesn’t put all her energy on the relationship. The biggest loss in the world is actually losing one’s self…
