When I first heard this sentence, I was very confused. It sounded like a very ambitious and fabricated sentence. Until I find the meaning behind it. Being happy with someone is different from expecting someone else to be happy all the time or just being happy with them.
Some of the people who came to get help make statements such as “it makes me angry, it drives me crazy, I get very happy with a little thing he says, I blow it up with a gesture”. What I heard under this passive discourse structure is this; My mood control is on the other side and the other party has the right to change the channel whenever they want. However, one of our goals in the treatment process is that the person should take responsibility for his feelings, thoughts and actions. Therefore, it is necessary to be aware that no change is possible without revising our sentences such as ‘I allow him to make me angry, crazy and jealous’. Starting from this, the more dangerous part of this is that the person who is very happy with his partner’s love, actions and behaviors does not take into account that he or she may be very unhappy with any negative action of his partner.
Suppose there are two students studying in the same class and the teacher is calling and scolding the children. Let’s imagine that one of the children of the same age, in the same class, exposed to the same teacher and the same discourse by their teacher, gets upset and the other becomes extremely worried and starts to bite their nails.
Although there are many reasons for these two different reactions, I would like to explain through an example.
Let’s just imagine that the child, whom we assume to be upset, is always in contact with his family and grows up in a family environment where his feelings and thoughts are clearly expressed. It is natural for her to be upset by her teacher’s reaction, and she can overcome it in time. So why does the other child react differently? If the child’s family has a judgmental parental attitude and is shouted every time he makes a mistake, or if mistakes are not allowed, it is possible that the child who is shouted by the teacher thinks that he is being judged and that his anxiety will recur and his body may react differently.
What is not on the ground does not become shape. We are born with a background. We fill this ground with what we learn from our environment and family. As a result of these teachings, we exhibit behaviors. We can also call this shape. In this example, the child’s ground is growing up by being judged, and the child’s reactions such as nail biting and anxiety are the shape. It’s like the activation of a volcano that is already about to erupt.
A point that should be focused on is that the person who says “I can no longer trust anyone as a result of being cheated on in my past relationship” shapes his whole understanding of relationship according to the positive or negative actions of another person. ‘I don’t trust anyone’ is a form and may not be based on cheating in a past relationship. The meaning that a person attributes to the relationship can be traced back to childhood.
In summary, it is necessary to carefully tamper with the background of the ground. If the person always has unreliable relationships, it is necessary to listen to the fact that this is the person’s choice and that overlapping relationship patterns are not a coincidence.
If you think that the person in your relationship is always upsetting you, your boss is always making you angry, your friends are constantly judging you, we need to realize that there is someone who allows them. Otherwise, we will constantly try to change the other side. Those who do this are dragged into controlling behavior. While it is sometimes easier to focus on or change someone else than it is sometimes easier to focus on or change ourselves, we need to realize that others are further away from us.
