BROTHERHOOD COMPETITION
Undoubtedly, sibling rivalry is one of the issues that parents find most difficult and helpless while raising their children. In this article, I will try to provide you with information about the feeling of rivalry, the reasons for sibling rivalry and what can be done before the birth of the sibling.
The first thing parents who feel helpless about sibling rivalry should know is that it is a universally normal feeling and process. Competition and jealousy, like all emotions, should be acceptable. Our main and realistic goal should be to be able to manage the process fairly and with a minimum of negative reactions, with the right steps to be taken. Many studies show that if sibling rivalry is well managed, it has a positive effect on children’s personality development, sharing, problem solving, managing competition, empathy, endurance, and reconciliation skills.
In many studies, it is seen that as the age difference between siblings decreases, the severity of rivalry and jealousy increase. The most obvious reason for this is the intense need for the mother’s attention before the age of 3 and the reaction of the child, who has to share the mother’s attention, against his sibling and mother.
Main Causes of Sibling Rivalry
First of all, it is necessary to know that it is not possible to reach a solution without understanding the causes of children’s behaviors.
Until the first child becomes a sibling, he feels the attention and love of the parents and the whole close circle on him completely. However, with the birth of the sibling, the child, who suddenly loses interest, begins to worry that he will also lose love. Children do not know how to verbally express this anxiety and do not know how to deal with it. When it is not understood by adults and the process is not well managed, the sibling begins to perceive its presence as a threat and anger occurs in the child.
The child, who realizes that the attention on him decreases with the arrival of his sibling, may tend to attract attention in different ways. These behaviors, which are called “naughty-mischief” by the parents, are actually the children’s way of saying “see me, I’m here”. Sometimes these signals that children give at first cannot be noticed, and together with anger, harmful behaviors begin to occur to their siblings. Children who realize that they can only attract the attention of their parents in this way, on the other hand, these behaviors gradually become stronger.
After the birth of the sibling, the expectations of the parents from the first child gradually increase. The child, who did not have responsibilities before, is given the responsibility of “brother/sister” and adults are expected to be smart, understanding, well-behaved, and facilitate the work of their parents. Normally, every child wants to grow up. However, after the arrival of a sibling, sometimes parents expect him to say goodbye to his childhood and to mature in a short time like a few weeks.
In addition to these, there may be very different reasons that will trigger and increase the sibling rivalry that occurs in the process. However, it is possible to say that the unhealthy approaches of the parents are the first of these.
What Should Be Done Before Siblings Arrive?
One of the first things to consider is when to tell your child that he or she will have a sibling. Experts state that the mother should wait for the first 3 months of pregnancy, which is risky, to share the news. If the pregnancy can be terminated, it is very difficult for the child to make sense of it. If possible, the parents can share this news with the child after the gender becomes clear and the wife starts to become clear. However, in this process, if the child is likely to hear this news from his/her environment, if there will be secret conversations around him, and if it will worry the child and shake the trust of the parent, it will be healthier to explain the news to the child when the parents feel ready, without waiting too long.
If an important change is to be made in the life of the older child (toilet habits, separating / changing his room, starting school, etc.), it should be done either before the birth or even before sharing the news of the sibling with the child or some time after the birth. Because such serious changes may be perceived as a threat in the child’s world in the first place and may create resistance. Associating such changes with the arrival of the sibling complicates the next process.
While preparing for the sibling, it can be beneficial if the child is willing, to do it together and to explain their own personal history in their processes. However, if the child is not willing, it should not be forced at all.
Children often wait for the birth with the illusion that they will immediately play with their siblings and are disappointed after birth. For this reason, it is important to prepare the child for this during pregnancy. It will also contribute to the process if it is told through his own infancy that his brother will sleep for a while at the beginning, will cry from time to time, and can play with him after he grows up.
There are many therapeutic storybooks for children that tell about the birth and afterbirth of the sibling before birth. It can be beneficial to prepare the emotional world of the child by reading such books during pregnancy.
Birth is a very difficult situation for children to make sense of. The child, who witnesses the mother’s frequent visits to the hospital and the pregnancy process, begins to worry about the mother’s health and safety. For this reason, informing the child about what will happen some time before birth creates a regulatory effect on the child’s spiritual world. The child can be prepared psychologically by being informed about who the child will stay with when the mother goes to give birth, and when she can see her parents and siblings.
