The severe earthquakes that have occurred in our country in recent times have caused thousands of people to lose their lives and cause a deep trauma.
Children who experienced this disaster and lost their family members and loved ones were among those most affected by the earthquake. Appropriate and necessary support must be given to children during the grieving process in order to adapt to inevitable losses, learn to live with death, and maintain life by regaining the joy of life.
Adults play an important role in helping children overcome these difficult days. Pedagogue from Memorial Şişli Hospital Child and Adolescent Psychology Department, Dr. Melda Alantar gave information about how to explain deceased family members to children.
Adults have trouble explaining death to children
Among life events, death is a reality that is difficult to accept for children and adults. But people grow and mature by learning to cope with events that cause pain and distress. Bereavement may come to the fore again in childhood and adolescence when different developmental stages are reached where new processes and skills are acquired. For example, a child who lost his mother at the age of one may question the death event again when he reaches the stage to express his feelings in words as a result of language development. In adolescence, when he reaches the cognitive development stage where he can think concretely, he can focus on his mother’s death. Adults find it difficult to convey to children the knowledge that life will end one day. Parents think that by talking about death, they will upset their children. They want to protect them. However, it should be explained to the child in an appropriate language that death is the end of life and that the deceased will not return.
The news of death should be given to children in simple, understandable terms.
Each family has its own methods of conveying the news of death, which are shaped in line with the closeness of the deceased, the cultural values and beliefs adopted, the age and developmental level of the child. The following tips can guide parents in fulfilling this difficult task:
• Reach out to your child first, acting more quickly than friends or other relatives to explain what happened.
• Choose a quiet place to deliver the news, be calm and compassionate.
• You can start by getting your child used to the bad news. For example, “A very sad event has happened. Your grandfather is dead.” There may be such statements. You need to explain the meaning of the word “Died” to your preschooler. “Dead” can be defined as “not living anymore”. Talk to your child about what it means to live. “As you live, you breathe, walk, talk, see, hear. Your grandfather won’t be able to do this anymore.”
• Use clear and understandable terms such as ”death”, “died”, “cancer” or “his heart stopped”.
Avoid vague and complex expressions such as “he is no longer with us”, “went”, “slept”. Especially do not make statements about sleep. In this case, young children think that their loved ones will wake up one day. Attitudes such as “he fell into a long and never-to-be-awakened sleep” can make children afraid of sleep. They are also restless when their parents are sleeping.
• Tell simple facts, allow details to be asked in the form of questions. Let your child react emotionally, “Some people cry when they’re upset, while others don’t show their reaction when they’re in pain. That doesn’t mean they don’t love the dead person.”
• Tell your child what will happen for a few days after the death. Provide information about funeral procedures, ceremonies and burials in line with your family’s views, cultural values and beliefs. Inform your child about where you will be, where you will be going, who will be at home, and about future visitors.
• Reassure your child that your life will get back in order. Remind him to return to school in a few days and see his friends. Explain that the family will continue their normal life without the person they love. The positive perspective displayed in painful periods allows the child to recover from the grieving process.
Children should be helped to cope with death
• Talk to your child, listen to him, support him. He may ask you many questions. Be patient and understanding when answering the same questions over and over, because the questions show the confusion and uncertainty that the child is feeling, it is a way of healing. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” when necessary.
• Remember, your child watches your reactions and imitates you.
• Funerals and commemorations allow us to accept the death event. We get support from family and friends. These ceremonies are also very important for children and are beneficial in many ways. The child’s participation in the ceremony helps to embody what is happening. After giving your child detailed information about what will happen at the ceremony, ask if he or she will attend. If she refuses to go to the funeral, don’t force her about it.
• Do not leave your child unless absolutely necessary.
• As soon as possible, return to your normal daily life by determining the hours of eating, working and sleeping.
• Children need help to express their feelings. You can guide your child about painting and writing letters for the deceased.
• You can direct them to activities such as planting trees and creating a diary in memory of the deceased.
• It can be helpful to read books on death.
• Informing the school about the death, the help and support of the class teacher, psychological counselor, and other students are important in healing the wounds of the child.
Children give signs that they need help
Parents should not avoid getting expert support when necessary. Here are some warning signs that children need help during the grieving process:
• Refusal to go to school because of fear that something bad will happen to them or their parents,
• Although there is no problem as a result of the doctor’s examination, the child has persistent complaints, especially problems resembling the illness of the deceased person (For example, a child whose relative died as a result of a heart attack complains of unexplained chest pain),
• Observing the intense fears and anxieties that interfere with daily activities and normal order, exhibiting similar behaviors in home, school and social environments,
• Depression usually occurs after a significant loss such as the death of a loved one or divorce. Symptoms such as introversion, lack of attention, reluctance, sleep and feeding disorders, sadness, crying frequently, are exhibited approximately every day for 2 weeks.
Source: (BYZHA) – Beyaz News Agency
