Sister Jealousy
Jealousy is one of the most basic and most difficult emotions to deal with, regardless of the age of human development.
Jealousy arises from a child’s desire to be the family’s only beloved possession. And the boy has no tolerance for any opponent. Sharing a mother’s love is painful. Sharing according to the understanding and experience of the child; means to settle for less. In a way, it’s like being satisfied with half an apple. It is worrying for the child to share the mother’s love and the father’s care. It doesn’t make sense for the child to expect him to be happy with this as well. Because in childhood, love is perceived as a more concrete situation. Love is in the form of “having”. When a brother comes, he thinks that the love that he deserves has been given to someone else, he gets angry and nervous. He worries about losing this love and not being able to regain it. He sees his brother as an obstacle between him and his parents and gets angry. His trust in his family and those who love him is shaken. In short; first of all, jealousy is a normal and inevitable emotion; It should be admitted that sibling jealousy is a situation that can be seen in every family with more than one child.
Bringing a child into the world with the words of the child saying “I want a brother” often disappoints the parents. Because the child, who thinks that he will start playing with himself when the sibling is born, starts to express his displeasure with the sibling, realizing that after a while the sibling actually takes the time of the parents and shares many things with him, especially the parents. For this reason, the best time to have a child again is when the mother is physically and mentally ready for a second birth. Another important point in preparation; It is a period in which parents can raise a new baby together, in terms of mental, economic and all other conditions, and adjust the relations between the two.
Until the child becomes a sibling, he completely feels the care and love of his parents and grows up without the need to share them with anyone. With the birth of his sibling, he sees that this interest and love gathered on him decreases. Because the newborn child needs to spend more time and energy at least because of his physical basic needs, which causes the limitation of the time, interest and effort offered to the older child beforehand.
Sometimes with the arrival of the younger sibling, the expectations of the parents from the first child increase; while pressures arise for them to take more responsibility and be successful; On the other hand, he is expected to be harmonious and positive in his relations with his sibling, and even help with responsibilities regarding his sibling. Because of their negative attitudes and approaches, they are often blamed and punished.
Thus, the child’s feelings of anger, resentment and injustice towards the baby are directed first towards his parents and then towards his sibling. If the child feels excluded, alone, and unloved, he begins to become a baby in order to regain what he has lost. Regression (regression behaviors), wanting to wear diapers like a sibling, peeing and pooping in diapers or suffocating, drinking milk with a bottle, sucking the mother, baby talk, deterioration in sleeping habits, wanting to sleep with the mother, childish attitudes, irritability, etc. negative behaviors occur. Some children may show these feelings by breaking their sibling’s belongings. Therefore, punishment increases his anger, jealousy intensifies and can turn into aggression. Sometimes the child acts cunning. In order to get on well with his parents and to maintain their love and care, he shows false love towards his brother. He especially takes care of his mother and father, tells him that he loves him very much, and wants to show that he is sacrificing.
Jealousy, which initially started as the older one’s jealousy of the newborn; After a while, it can be added that the younger is also jealous of the older one. Because the little boy who wants to do everything that the elder does, will be jealous of the older one because he can’t do them.
How Can You Help Your Child?
- First of all, you decide for a second child or a sibling to your children, remember that your child’s wishes may be variable due to their nature.
- Before the sibling is born, it is ‘wrong’ to explain the future of a baby to the child with long explanations with great sensitivity, and to make extraordinary efforts to make him accept this situation. Because the child suspects this situation, thinks that the event is really important, and becomes uncomfortable. He senses that there is a danger to him and jealousy is fueled. Actually; before a new baby arrives, it is to try to explain this fact to the child in a clear and simple way. Therefore, choose an understated attitude.
- It is ‘wrong’ for parents and other elders to say that they do not love the newborn at all and to denigrate him. Because it’s not real. It is a dream to expect the child to believe these tricks. Actually; parents and other adults do not hide that they love the baby. However, at every opportunity, try to show the child how much you love him too, that this love does not decrease or change after the baby is born.
- It is wrong to prove to the child that he and his brother are equally loved. Because children do not yearn for equal love, they want to be “loved privately”. The emphasis is not on equality, but on love with value. For the sake of entitlement, do not try to divide and equalize love, make it clear to your child that the love for him is special and the relationship between them is different from the relationship with the baby. Remember that the time parents spend with their children and the imbalances between them fuel sibling conflicts.
- Instead of trying to eliminate the jealousy of the child and make his brother love; listen to him and give him a chance to express his negative feelings. For example; Your child says, “I don’t like my brother.” when he said, “Oh, okay, he’s your brother, brothers love, watch and protect each other.” instead of saying, “I know you’re angry. It makes me tired too, so sometimes I can get angry with him, I have to help him because he can’t do anything by himself, so I get very tired. I can’t make time for you like before, but I love you as much as before. You know, that’s how I felt when my brother was born. I was angry with both my brother and my mother.” Encourage her to express her negative feelings and show that you understand her. .
- Especially since the newborn has dependent relations with the mother due to his physical basic needs, the father should be very attentive to fulfill his responsibilities in dealing with the older one and allocating special time for him.
- Make Him feel your “Oneness”. Thus, it will be easier for him to bestow his thoughts that he is less loved and pushed into the background. “You are my only daughter/son, I am very happy to be your mother/father, I am glad I have a daughter/son like you” etc. Use expressions often. Show the truth of your words by taking time for him, playing games together, and doing enjoyable activities.
- Do not forget that trying to make one be like him by constantly showing the positive characteristics of the other as an example, thinking that one is always superior by making comparisons between siblings, and reflecting this to children through behavior will greatly harm the relationship between siblings.
In conclusion, remember that you can’t make your child jealous of his sibling, he doesn’t have to like him. Instead of these, instead of using expressions that start with the words “you are big …” and “you are small …” Do not forget that you should offer the same approach and suggestions to both of them in discussions, that as they grow up, their relationship will be more sharing and closer to the sibling relationship you expect, and this will be resolved step by step in the natural development process.
